sometimes i just freak out.
it's the ups and downs of these anti depressants.
it has many side effects and all of them suck balls. before, i would deal with the downs a lot better.
though, when i'm taking them, i feel awesome, other than my body feeling like shit, but my skin takes on even more of a yellow tinge. yes, i am yellow. goddamn. i said goddamn. anyway, they make me just lay there some days...
also i barf a lot on them and lost 20 pounds. yeaaaaaaah. sometimes i just think i look gross now. anyway... whatevs.
i stopped taking them and went ape shit the other day. it's just the overwhelming feeling off sadness. i can't explain it. it just weighs on you, like a rather large rock of sadness resting on your chest. it almost hurts physically. the push that the feeling gives my body is extreme and it comes out in torrents. i also tend to scream. and it's not like a regular scream, but a banshee scream usually consisting of "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME" yeah... when I finally calm down, I'm in the state of just WTF. WTF is going on, WTF am i doing with my life, why does it suck so bad and why am i such a fucking loser.
the best way to describe depression is just complete lack of wanting to go on anymore. you don't care about what you're doing to people around you, you won't even talk to anyone for days, weeks, months, i've spent a total of probably a year throughout the years just sitting in my apartment. i guess i am just waiting for things to get better, but without making things better, they can't...tho in my reality, there's no rational thought..so... it just keeps going on.
you live with this and literally no one seems to know the extent. not even my parents. no one. i'm coming to the realization that i'm just very different.
I really have no reason for it. no trauma. some deaths. but it's been like this since i could remember. i remember being 13 and contemplating suicide. i remember being 8 and just feeling so alone, so worthless.
it's got to be a chemical thing. because i had a good upbringing. i have awesome parents. I've been through a lot, mind you, but it's survivable.
Well. it feels better to get it off my chest, even if it's to no one, and nothing. idk. I just want to learn to love myself.
in the meantime, I've been painting a lot. I got a munny (munny.com) like 6 months ago and just started painting him. i thought i could do something cute or something more like a monster, kind of ugly. he's working out awesome. he looks so gross. I'd like to get more into drawing gross things. I'm so used to doing cutesy things... it feels good to make things look evil and gross.
photography class killed my photography love... maybe it'll pick up in a bit, but after being told what to take pictures of, i t kind of made me hate it. but i'm good at it...right? i think. maybe.
videogames feel good to play, but i've been having a lot of dreams about having to shoot people with shot guns point blank in the faces. it was probably gears 2 that did it to me, but i'm not really sure.. lol i've always had videogame dreams, but recently they're just a little more violent.
can you believe i still hate ET? my mom said i wouldn't hate him now, but i really do. 7 years of nightmares really kills a kid's love for the ugliest thing anyone's ever created. as a kid i would watch aliens religiously, but yet ET would freak me out. maybe that's another sign. as i sit here at three in the morning thinking about how morbid of a person i must have been.
the other night we were talking about hitting animals while driving. i agree, you should hit it even tho it sucks to snuff out a life like that, but then someone went on to say "who's life is more valuable? the animal or the human, obviously the humans" and i piped up and said i disagree. after everyone finished jumping down my throat about it, i explained it over again, i didn't mean you should hit it, i just disagree with the value of human life over animal life. I think they are equal. that's just how i've always felt. just had to throw something about me loving something so you guys don't think i'm full on sick.
no, i wouldn't because i love so many people and things around me, but it makes me mad that they keep me here sometimes. as a kid i always wondered what it would have been like if i wasn't even born. i just wouldn't be here. sometimes it's just the rest o f the world that depresses me. i just feel so small in such a big, disgusting world full of so much greed and gluttony. it makes me sick to my stomach. at least western culture does. i think we're sick fat fucking pigs. as the world suffers and starves, most people are too busy filling their faces with processed food and reality shows to even stop and think about anyone except themselves.
I wish i had more to give the world and the means to do it.
but I have nothing, and I am nothing, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to put on some big girl clothes and actually succeed instead of fail all the time.
wtb life.
I'm going to go finish a book.
BTW: bladder infections are the worst. lol o noes my urethra!!!
also, my sleep schedule IS FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED and i hate it. it's 4:30, i'm not tired and i'll wake up around 2. I remember saying to someone that they were just wasting their day... now I kind of understand i guess. it feels good though. some afternoons i just sleep and sleep. i wake up, but i go back to sleep. or i just daydream and curl up in my blankets and enjoy being alone.
anyway, i have a headache now. WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE.
Oh and in other news, my brother in law bought us team fortress 2 and it's so fun, but god you get OWNT hard. then again, i was just running around as a medic which is almost the same as running around as a healy specced ghostbuster :\
yep you read it right. but it seems super fun and i can't wait to blow some people apart.
